Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Nervous second time around

The past week I've really started thinking about the delivery of this baby.  Now that I am 25 weeks along, just past the point of viability if this baby were to arrive early, I find that I am focusing on when our dear baby make her arrival.  Will she be early?  Will everything go as planned until I reach 40 weeks and my scheduled delivery date? 

Since I had some bleeding in the beginning, it has felt to me like this pregnancy was going to be different than my run of the mill textbook pregnancy with Anna.  But contrary to this feeling, once leaving the first trimester behind, everything has gone as planned.  But I can't shake this feeling of worry. 

Every ache, every pain, every cramp reminds me of contractions.  And I've had a lot more this time, which are explained to me as Round Ligament pains caused by stretching.  I cleaned vigorously on Saturday while getting ready to have sixteen wonderful family members over to celebrate my birthday.  After cleaning the fridge, freezer, and under the sink, sweeping, mopping, and dusting, I felt like I'd run a marathon and my back felt like someone was stabbing me with every motion.  Sunday evening I thought my water was leaking, but I think it was normal pregnancy yuckiness.  I didn't dare tell my husband, because I don't want him to worry.

I think the worry stems from two things:

A. I've been through all of this before, but my first pregnancy I was more focused on all of the changes occuring within my body and how I was going to deal with adjusting to mommyhood.  This time, I know what to expect but I am left thinking more about the "what if's."

B.  I've loved a darling little girl for all of her 19 months of life plus the 9 months I carried her.  I know how intense my feelings are for my daughter, and I therefore know how devastating it would be to lose this baby.  I haven't met her yet, but I love her and I love the possibilities she brings to our family.

I know that I've got to let my concerns and fears go and trust that God will guide us through this pregnancy just as He did last time.  Perhaps recognizing my fears for what they are will help me to let them go.

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